What to say at a funeral, and what not to say

Simple things you can say

• "I'm so sorry."
• "I'm thinking of you and your family."
• "He meant a lot to me."
• "I don't know what to say, but I'm here."
• "I have a story about her I'd love to tell you some time."

If you knew the person, a specific memory is one of the kindest things you can offer. Families often hear stories about their loved one at a funeral that they never knew.

What to avoid

• Explaining the loss: "Everything happens for a reason" or "They're in a better place" can hurt, even when meant kindly, unless you know the family shares that belief.
• Comparing: "I know exactly how you feel, when my dad died…" turns the moment toward you.
• Asking about the cause of death. If the family wants to share it, they will.
• Giving advice about grief, money or what to do next.
• "Let me know if you need anything." It puts the work on them. Offer something specific instead: a meal on Thursday, a lift to the service, picking up the children.

At the visitation or wake

Keep it brief; the family may be greeting many people. Introduce yourself and say how you knew the person, especially to relatives who may not know you. Then let them move on.

At the graveside or after the service

Quiet is fine. A hand on the shoulder, a nod, or "I'm here" is enough. If you're unsure, follow the family's lead.

When you don't know the family well

Say who you are and how you knew the person: "I'm Sam, I worked with your mother for eight years." Then one line of sympathy. That's all anyone expects.

If you've been asked to speak

Being asked to give a eulogy or a short funeral speech is different: you'll need a few minutes of prepared words. Our guide to how long a eulogy should be and how to write a eulogy will help you get started.

Later on

The weeks after a funeral are often the loneliest. A message on a birthday or anniversary, or simply "thinking of you today", can mean a great deal. If you're writing a card, see what to write in a sympathy card.