Guide
What families want to say in a eulogy
Most families want a eulogy to say three things: who the person really was day to day, what they gave to the people around them, and how much they'll be missed. The hardest parts are usually starting, choosing which stories to tell, and keeping it short enough. A few good questions and a simple structure solve most of it.
By the Lovingly Written team · Updated
The themes that come up again and again
When families sit down to write a eulogy, the same themes appear, whatever the relationship:
- Their everyday habits: the coffee mug, the Sunday phone call, the whistle, the garden.
- How they looked after people: cooking, fixing, driving, listening, turning up.
- Their sayings: the phrases everyone can still hear in their voice.
- What they taught: usually by example, rarely in so many words.
- Their humor: the jokes they told every year, the way they laughed.
- Their quiet strength: what they lived through and how they carried it.
- Love: for a partner, children, grandchildren, friends, a place, a team.
Where families get stuck
- "I don't know where to start." Start with who you are and how you knew them. The first line doesn't need to be clever. See how to start a eulogy.
- "There's too much to say." Choose one or two stories. The rest can go in the obituary or be shared at the reception.
- "I can't think of anything specific." Answer simple questions: what did they always say, where will you always picture them, what will you miss on an ordinary day?
- "I'm worried I'll cry." Most people do, and it's fine. See reading a eulogy without breaking down.
- "Our relationship was complicated." Choose what's true and kind, and keep it short.
Questions that unlock memories
- What did they do every morning?
- What did their home smell or sound like?
- What did they always have in their pocket, bag or car?
- What's a small moment you'll never forget?
- What would they want people to do now?
From notes to a eulogy
- Write rough answers to three of the questions above.
- Pick the one or two answers that feel most like them.
- Turn each into a small story: where, when, what happened, what they said.
- Add an opening line (who you are) and a closing line (a goodbye or their phrase).
- Read it aloud and cut anything that feels like a list.
That's a complete eulogy of three to four minutes. Our eulogy template and eulogy examples show the structure in full. If you'd like help with the words, tell us about them and we'll help you shape a eulogy from your own memories.